Bored and Overwhelmed?

Ah May, a challenging time of year for any teacher. Students are getting hyped up, hormones are often flying. Behaviors are ramping up, and patience is running low. I've set up my social studies lessons such that students are working independently on a travel themed project, learning all about a country that they've planned a trip to.

I have plenty that I should do. I have my final unit to plan for. I have grading I could do. Tests to write. I could be organizing my table. I could even be working on a personal project without it interfering with my supervision of my students projects. And yet... I can't quite bring myself to do it. When I think about how much work I have to get done between now and June 15th, I get a bit panicky. And yet sitting her at my desk, as my students silently work (or waste time, not completing the assignment), it seems almost impossible for me to get my brain into the right mode to plan and strategize for the end of the year.

I'm sleepy, that is part of it. And I'm struggling to focus as I continue to put finishing details on my planned trip to Europe this summer, but that's not quite it. I imagine I must be experiencing something similar to the paralysis my students seem to get when math is both too hard and also boring. The struggle is finding the wherewithal to still do my job well.

Morning Routine: Transitioning to Habit

I stopped near Corvallis to take this picture last week. I couldn't believe the sunrise! 

I've been commuting an hour and change to work 5 days a week for almost 3 months now. The most impactful element of this change has been my morning and bed time routines. I very purposefully created routines before school began, and have implemented and tweaked them with as much authenticity and dedication as I can muster. As it stands, my morning routine is particularly effective, and I am noticing positive changes in my life and attitude that I am attributing to the current schedule.

5AM Only 1 snooze allowed

This is mostly for Ben's sake, but I reap the benefit of not wasting 15 or 20 (or more!) minutes trying to drag myself out of bed. 

5:07-5:17 5-10 minutes of yoga

 This was originally part of my hope for my routine but I struggled to do it without any sort of structure. When I went to Halloween Glowga with the amazing Mikki Trowbridge she recommended the YogaGlo app as a fairly inexpensive on demand yoga app with good teachers and a wide variety of lengths, styles and more. I've only been back on the yoga train about a week, but I think it's going to stick. I may go into a more in depth review of YogaGlo later, once I've got a bit more experience with it under my belt. 

5:17-5:40 Dress, shower, do hair & makeup, brush teeth

After yoga, I might shower (I don't shower every day, my body doesn't need it, and I don't like to dry my skin out, or waste the water. I may just wash my face, or I may not...). I have a pretty simple beauty routine, which typically takes 10 minutes or less, depending on how much I have to do, and whether my eyebrows need touching up. 

5:40-5:50 Prep coffee/breakfast, collect lunch items

I've been doing Bulletproof Coffee, but I'm not sure if I'm going to stick with it or not. When my current bottle of the branded oil is empty, I'm going to return to my normal routine  (regular coffee with half and half and a protein shake) and see if I notice any negative changes, as I didn't notice any significant positive changes with the bulletproof coffee in regards to energy, efficiency or weight loss. I'm pretty good at making sure I've pre-loaded the coffee so it's already brewed when I come downstairs. I usually already have prepped any lunch materials and so I only need to pull them out of the fridge (or fruit bowl!)  and place them on the small table near the front door that I use as a staging area. I also place my phone or other items that I don't want to forget in that staging area. 

5:50-6AM Meditation

 I had the great pleasure of doing Light Watkins' 21 Day Yoga Meditation from Wanderlust. It was the most approachable, enjoyable guided meditation I've ever  done. I haven't purchased the videos (yet!) because I can't justify the expense just now, but I recommend the series to anyone! When it was finished, I did a few with the Calm app, but didn't enjoy it as much. Fortunately YogaGlo has dozens of meditations, so I've been using those the last week. 

6:00-6:10 Anything else?

On a good day, this last ten minutes is for me to glance at my Facebook, play a move on Word with Friends or some other silly task. My kitties usually climb all over me during my meditation, and I think the cuddles are almost as important as the meditation itself. 

 Often though,  something has delayed me and I am running behind, or once or twice a week I leave early so I can get gas before hitting the road.




6:10 Say goodbye and hit the road

The last thing I do before heading out the door is I kiss Ben goodbye and tell him I love him. I'm typically in the car and on the road by 6:20. 

I have noticed that I have been more relaxed, less reactive and more able to find humor in my job lately. The nature of the routine, being predictable and second nature, and the inclusion of meditation and now some yoga, are going a long way in helping me to be more centered and receptive. I'm really proud of my routine, and in turn, the dedication I've had in the evening that allows me to be set up for this early morning success.

Summer Goals - An Autumn Review

Found on Agate Beach, Port Orford

At the beginning of June, I wrote in my bullet journal 5 summer goals. All SMART goals even! Super achievable things I wanted to do with my 'off' time.


This summer did not turn out to have much off time.


1. Complete Always Hungry Solution Phase 1 CHECK!
2. Lose 7lbs by the end of August (3 months)
3. Put a poem to melody (write a tune)
4. Weekend away for Ben & I CHECK!
5. Blog every week


Let's reflect, I accomplished 2 out of 5 (sort of).

Eclipse shadows

I did successfully do the Always Hungry Phase 1 (with a tiny bit of Phase 2 food). It felt great to get back to healthy eating after a few months of making do with a lot of take out, processed foods and sugars and carbs. I even got back to running during this period of time. Unfortunately, immediately after finishing Phase 1, we spent a week with Ben's brother and most of the healthy eating went out the window. We were up in Salem partially for some family stuff, and also to play a gig for an Eclipse party! The eclipse was an incredible thing to witness, I can't express how glad I am I got to be in the path of totality, but in the mean time the celebrating got a little bit out of hand.


Going right along with not sticking to those eating plans, I did not lose 7 pounds. I was staying right around the same until August. Between travel, extreme heat (we had more then a week when we were in the high 90s and 100s) and many late nights (resulting in sleeping later) my exercise routing also fell to the likes of summer. Then, near the end of the month, the smoke from wildfires made running a literal health hazard. I've gained weight this summer, which means I'm nearly as heavy as I was before I joined weight watchers so many years ago in the first place. I've broken down and joined a gym near my house so the smoke won't stop me any more, and I'm back to tracking my food on weight watchers. Now just to re-break the sugar habit.

I simply didn't decide to sit down and write a tune. This terrifies me. I am so afraid that it will be hard, or I won't be good at it, or I won't like what I write. My brain runs in every possible direction to avoid being forced to write music. Despite the fact that I would love to perform my own music. I can't pin my brain down, but it's fear of mediocrity is strong, and my rational brain can't convince the scared little perfectionist inside that failure and writing crap is just part of the journey and that I can't get anywhere if I don't just start!

Wave watching on Agate Beach

Ben and I did a wonderful job of doing this this summer! First we spent a week with his brother, which was more about him spending time with his brother then us getting away, but it was a much needed time to just relax without the to-do list of home. We also enjoyed our camp out the night before the eclipse, though it was just one night, we had a romantic evening, and got to witness a once and a lifetime event together. The real trip though, was to lovely little Port Orford on the Southern Oregon Coast.

Port of Port Orford, Dolly Dock 

We stayed in an inexpensive motel with a lot of ...character. But had a blast exploring the little cafes, beaches, parks and historic sites the town had to offer. The weather was perfect, warm and sunny with clear skies during the day. Windy off and on, but not so much it was unpleasant.

Cape Blanco Lighthouse

We met with friends who had recently moved to Port Orford and are building a tiny house there, enjoyed the Crazy Norwegian toured the most westerly lighthouse on the Pacific and watched one of the only Dolly Docks in the world lift a boat out of the sea!

Port Oford Heads Viewpoint

The final goal needs no explanation. This is my first blog post since May, clearly I didn't blog each week. However, as the seasons turn, I'll make some new goals, and perhaps my resolve will fair better for the fall.

Getting away with it

Sometimes as a teacher, your accidentally find yourself painted into a corner. Or you stepped on a land mine with a student, that you didn't know would trigger a blow up, and if you'd known it would have such a big response, you wouldn't have chosen that molehill to die on.

Today I founds myself in a situation like this. I was helping two students get started on an assignment we began yesterday. They had struggled yesterday to work on it, and so I was standing nearby,  gently pressuring them to get their materials out, and go to the correct webpage so that they could start the assignment. They escalated their avoid ant behaviors to the point where one boy was just repeating 'go away, go away', in a dismissive and rude tone.

I realized then that the trap had been sprung. I was nearly sure that if I walked away, they would do the assignment, but that meant letting them get away with the rude, disrespectful behavior.

I paused. It was like that moment in a TV show where the world goes into slow motion and the internal monologue voice-over kicks in mulling over the decision. I could keep fighting this, almost certainly feeding the escalation to the point where I was going to have to kick one or both of them out of the classroom, with referrals to boot. Or, I could walk away, get what I originally wanted (them to do the assignment), but give up a little bit of control or power.

I walked away. But I'm still not sure if it was the right choice. These boys have some serious lagging skills having to do with dealing with critique, and transitioning to new activities, and responding to instructions. They don't have the skill to respond well to my gentle pressure. Them telling me to GO AWAY is their version of trying to get to work. But am I in turn teaching them that they can be rude to others, show disrespect to teachers ( and by extension, coworkers or supervisors in the future) and get what they want?

No answers here, just questions. In the moment, I think I made the right choice, but am I trading the success in today's assignment for more failure in the future?

Guilt over time off

November has been a rough month. I've been fighting off a cold basically since the end of September. My class has been growing, and most of my kids seem to have pretty difficult behavior issues. Lots of aggressiveness and anger. I've been in rehearsal for Night Before Christmas, and my weekends have been spent traveling to SCA events, visits to Ben, or other friends and family.

All of this is to say that I'm a little bit run down. Night Before Christmas is opening tonight and Monday night at dress rehearsal I felt that familiar twinge in my throat that indicates my voice is about to go.

I've been playing it easy, and holding back, but teaching all day plus rehearsing is totally killing me. I've also just been feeling exhausted. I decided to stay home Wednesday and sleep. I needed it, I had the sick time. Running myself into the ground does no one any good. But I felt HORRIBLY guilty.

In the past, I've been very judgey about colleagues, co-workers, cast mats calling in sick if they aren't actually sick. I've had friends call in because of hang overs, to socialize, do homework. I've never done that. I always made it to class as a student, and almost never call into work unless I'm literally throwing up, or can't get out of bed. Last year, I was actually home sick in bed for several days, laid out by a virus. At another time my colleagues made me go home because i literally couldn't speak. As a substitute I would go in when I had a cold, and some times I think I was sicker then the teacher who had stayed home.

But I have sick pay now. I have over 200 hours of sick leave now. And it's there for me to use when I'm not well. It does roll over, so I can save it for the future, in case I'm ever seriously ill. But it's there for me to use it. I am a better teacher if I am healthy. And staying home a couple of days right now can be the difference between me suffering through the last few weeks of school, or being engaged and heading energetically towards Winter Break. Not to mention, my show might be a casualty if I push myself to far.

But despite preparing, leaving good plans, and telling everyone ahead of time I have terrible guilt about taking the time. Is this anxiety? Imposter Syndrome? Am I worried I'm being lazy? What is this? Why can't I just accept that am not doing well and need the rest? I've never been particularly good at giving myself a break, and as a person who rarely gets TRULY sick, I think I often sell myself short when I'm just a bit under the weather. I may have a small cold for three weeks, instead of being laid out for just a couple of days.

Perhaps my recent focus on mindfulness and minimalism is allowing me to have more compassion for myself physically.

Either way, I'm staying home tomorrow and sleeping, and I feel confidant it's the right choice, and that guilty little voice can just shut up!

Eating while Travelling

I'm about to head to Portland for the first leg of my Washington DC Adventure. Thinking ahead, one of the things I'm the most anxious about is how I'm going to eat while I'm travelling. I've done a good job eating out and still following the Always Hungry plan, but now I'm going to be in airports and unfamiliar places, with meals provided for me, without a lot of say in them.

To stay on plan I'm going to:

• Hold fast to my commitment to avoid added sugars, but recognize that some times minimal sugar might be the best I can do. 
• Look for high protein options at every chance. Eggs, cheese, meats, nuts.
• Bring dark chocolate with me, to satisfy any cravings or needs for a treat. 
• Load up on veggies and fruits, ask for substitutions if needed.
• Eat when I have the chance, don't wait if I don't have to. 
• Make sure I'm fully caffeinated, don't skimp on the cream, but no sugar in my coffee. 
• For this trip, don't let cost freak me out. I may pay more for premium food this weekend, and that's ok.  

New Beginnings

This is the classic 'fresh start' blog post. I'm looking for an outlet and focus for my efforts. I'm part way through a lifelong journey of self-discovery (doesn't that sound cliche), and I feel like I'm on the precipice of something new.

A handful of things have converged this September to place me poised for a new chapter of development.

• I've started out my 3rd year teaching with a lot of time on my hands (our numbers are very low), and feeling unsure of my next steps and challenges. I also applied and was chosen to  participate in a union sponsored group of Early Career Leadership Fellows, this opens up my imagination to what the future of my career might hold, be it teacher leadership, administration, or instructional coaching or research. 
• I discovered the book Always Hungry? over the summer, thanks to my doctor, and have begun to radically change my relationship with food, especially processed carbohydrates and sugars. This is reshaping my eating habits, and changing my body for the better. 
• My adorable vintage apartment is slowly becoming a souring deal. I'm getting less and less bang for my buck so to speak. I am pursuing a larger space to live in, which hopefully will afford some of the amenities I am doing without. 
• Despite seeking a larger space, I must accept that I have accrued the flotsam and jetsam of several years of solo living and must needs pare down my belongings. Especially my clothing. I have two separate scheduled
• My band, DarkHorse, which I've played with for a few years is having a personnel change and taking a short hiatus. I'll be stepping into a more of a leadership role because our band leader, and lead guitar player, who is also my boyfriend of nearly 3 years, is moving away to attend University.  It'll be some months before we play again.
• In his own quest for authentic self, he's also decided that staying together isn't going to work for him. Despite our mutual love and respect, I'll be finding myself single, and without a romantic partner. 
• I am auditioning for a straight play for the first time in years. Theater has waxed and waned as a huge part of my life and the prospect of acting on stage again has me nervous and excited. I've spoken with the director and am very optimistic about my chances, though regardless of if I am cast, I'll be helping with the production. I'll be taking advantage of the hiatus that DarkHorse is taking to commit fully to a play. 
• I keep telling myself I'm going to write a song. I need to stop being a person who is GOING to write a song and be a person who is writing a song. This video I stumbled across today is a large part of what has initiated this burst of activity.
• One of my primary hobbies over the last decade, The Society for Creative Anachronism, has felt somewhat forced and empty the last few years. I did some soul searching and trying new things at an event in September which told me a lot about what I do and do not want from the SCA. I feel like I'm making progress redefining how the SCA will play a role in my life and what inspiration and creative or social outlets I can find there. 

As a result of upheaval and renewal I will write. I will write for accountability, for reflection, for a sounding board, in order to share my discoveries with others, and to track my progress.