Bored and Overwhelmed?

Ah May, a challenging time of year for any teacher. Students are getting hyped up, hormones are often flying. Behaviors are ramping up, and patience is running low. I've set up my social studies lessons such that students are working independently on a travel themed project, learning all about a country that they've planned a trip to.

I have plenty that I should do. I have my final unit to plan for. I have grading I could do. Tests to write. I could be organizing my table. I could even be working on a personal project without it interfering with my supervision of my students projects. And yet... I can't quite bring myself to do it. When I think about how much work I have to get done between now and June 15th, I get a bit panicky. And yet sitting her at my desk, as my students silently work (or waste time, not completing the assignment), it seems almost impossible for me to get my brain into the right mode to plan and strategize for the end of the year.

I'm sleepy, that is part of it. And I'm struggling to focus as I continue to put finishing details on my planned trip to Europe this summer, but that's not quite it. I imagine I must be experiencing something similar to the paralysis my students seem to get when math is both too hard and also boring. The struggle is finding the wherewithal to still do my job well.

5 year mission

I've quite deliberately spend the last several years without a so-called 'five year plan'. I made this choice in the aftermath of my seperation and divorce as a way to give myself some much needed space to reconnect with myself. So much of my time during my 20s was spent looking to the next big thing, planning for the future with my husband, or trying to achieve some self imposed goal. Part of what landed me in an unhappy marriage feeling miserable, was my lack of flexibility when it came to my plan, and what I thought I should be doing with my time. I felt that because I'd said I wanted something at one time, I was obligated to follow through on it. 

The intervening time, I've taken the opportunities that have come, and tried to learn more about being in the moment. (Still a lot of learning to do there). I've taken a job that wasn't what I thought I wanted, and found it incredibly rewarding and incredibly stressful, I've focused on my music in new ways, gone on adventures all over the nation, taken different approaches to my health, become engaged in my union, and had positive and negative experiences in every avenue I 've explored. I've become more secure and centered in my identity, but no less sure of what I want to be when I 'grow up'.

The time has come for a new 5 year mission. Mine's not as exciting as that of The Enterprise. Strange new worlds and new life are not what I seek, but it's time for me to stop just going with the flow and decide what direction I'm going.

There's a lot of things I don't know. But I want to start with what I do know. 

• I want to continue to work with young people in education
• I am passionate about serving students that are marginalized or otherwise under-served by institutionalized learning. 
• I do not want to be a classroom teacher forever
• I need to step away from the 'front lines' of teaching the most difficult students soon
• I am not done learning and expanding my skill set
• I am excellent at teaching my content, I have room to improve my communication with resistant and unengaged learners. 
• I am interested in learning more about restorative justice, culturally responsive teaching and trauma sensitive schools. 
• I am a union supporter, but I don't see union leadership as my path
• I will continue to be present for, and support my partner in his goals.

There are a few things I want to explore to help me decide where to go next. 

• Pursue Restorative Justice Training
• Consider the options for transferring to a comprehensive school for the 2018-19 school year
• Learn about what the process to become an administrator would entail
• Ask questions about what other career paths in education could look like. 

Finally, I've gotten a lot of good advice over the past few days as I've been considering my future. 

• Stay in the moment, be present. 
• Don't take things personally, especially not from students
• Continue to push myself to improve, regardless 

Any other words of wisdom as I embark on the next stage of my journey?

Getting away with it

Sometimes as a teacher, your accidentally find yourself painted into a corner. Or you stepped on a land mine with a student, that you didn't know would trigger a blow up, and if you'd known it would have such a big response, you wouldn't have chosen that molehill to die on.

Today I founds myself in a situation like this. I was helping two students get started on an assignment we began yesterday. They had struggled yesterday to work on it, and so I was standing nearby,  gently pressuring them to get their materials out, and go to the correct webpage so that they could start the assignment. They escalated their avoid ant behaviors to the point where one boy was just repeating 'go away, go away', in a dismissive and rude tone.

I realized then that the trap had been sprung. I was nearly sure that if I walked away, they would do the assignment, but that meant letting them get away with the rude, disrespectful behavior.

I paused. It was like that moment in a TV show where the world goes into slow motion and the internal monologue voice-over kicks in mulling over the decision. I could keep fighting this, almost certainly feeding the escalation to the point where I was going to have to kick one or both of them out of the classroom, with referrals to boot. Or, I could walk away, get what I originally wanted (them to do the assignment), but give up a little bit of control or power.

I walked away. But I'm still not sure if it was the right choice. These boys have some serious lagging skills having to do with dealing with critique, and transitioning to new activities, and responding to instructions. They don't have the skill to respond well to my gentle pressure. Them telling me to GO AWAY is their version of trying to get to work. But am I in turn teaching them that they can be rude to others, show disrespect to teachers ( and by extension, coworkers or supervisors in the future) and get what they want?

No answers here, just questions. In the moment, I think I made the right choice, but am I trading the success in today's assignment for more failure in the future?

Fear of parenting, side effect of teaching?

For a lot of reasons, that I won't get into here, I am thinking a lot about the possibility of adoption children, rather then having biological children. Reasons span from personal, to political, to social justice related.

But it is a scary proposition. I know you truly never know what type of child you'll get. What the genetic lottery will put together, but some things, like health during pregnancy you can control. You also know what health problems you and your spouse's family have that are risk factors.

I had a student that was adopted. They could be delightful and thoughtful, clever. They also had attachment disorder, serious emotional issues, fetal alcohol syndrome... I don't know their family, or their situation, but I do know their parents are at their wits end for what to do with the child. Having a kiddo like that scares me. I know that any child can have issues, but seeing children like this one, or other kids at my school, makes me afraid of the challenge I'm opening myself up for by becoming a parent at all, let alone an adoptive parent.

I'm so glad that I have waited to have children, and I think I want to be a mother. But it's also a scary prospect.

Guilt over time off

November has been a rough month. I've been fighting off a cold basically since the end of September. My class has been growing, and most of my kids seem to have pretty difficult behavior issues. Lots of aggressiveness and anger. I've been in rehearsal for Night Before Christmas, and my weekends have been spent traveling to SCA events, visits to Ben, or other friends and family.

All of this is to say that I'm a little bit run down. Night Before Christmas is opening tonight and Monday night at dress rehearsal I felt that familiar twinge in my throat that indicates my voice is about to go.

I've been playing it easy, and holding back, but teaching all day plus rehearsing is totally killing me. I've also just been feeling exhausted. I decided to stay home Wednesday and sleep. I needed it, I had the sick time. Running myself into the ground does no one any good. But I felt HORRIBLY guilty.

In the past, I've been very judgey about colleagues, co-workers, cast mats calling in sick if they aren't actually sick. I've had friends call in because of hang overs, to socialize, do homework. I've never done that. I always made it to class as a student, and almost never call into work unless I'm literally throwing up, or can't get out of bed. Last year, I was actually home sick in bed for several days, laid out by a virus. At another time my colleagues made me go home because i literally couldn't speak. As a substitute I would go in when I had a cold, and some times I think I was sicker then the teacher who had stayed home.

But I have sick pay now. I have over 200 hours of sick leave now. And it's there for me to use when I'm not well. It does roll over, so I can save it for the future, in case I'm ever seriously ill. But it's there for me to use it. I am a better teacher if I am healthy. And staying home a couple of days right now can be the difference between me suffering through the last few weeks of school, or being engaged and heading energetically towards Winter Break. Not to mention, my show might be a casualty if I push myself to far.

But despite preparing, leaving good plans, and telling everyone ahead of time I have terrible guilt about taking the time. Is this anxiety? Imposter Syndrome? Am I worried I'm being lazy? What is this? Why can't I just accept that am not doing well and need the rest? I've never been particularly good at giving myself a break, and as a person who rarely gets TRULY sick, I think I often sell myself short when I'm just a bit under the weather. I may have a small cold for three weeks, instead of being laid out for just a couple of days.

Perhaps my recent focus on mindfulness and minimalism is allowing me to have more compassion for myself physically.

Either way, I'm staying home tomorrow and sleeping, and I feel confidant it's the right choice, and that guilty little voice can just shut up!

What do you do with a blank stare?

Today is Friday. In my classroom that means quiz day. I give quizzes every Friday to my students. They are typically short (2-5 questions) and are always re-takable for a higher grade.

My students slouch in and pour themselves into their desks. The energy in the room palpably falls as I remind them the expectations for the quiz. Dutifully they each complete their quiz to varied results and proceed to melt into human puddles. It's as if their heads are each made of lead and they can barely lift them from the surface of the desk, let alone sit upright enough to gaze at the board.

Despite having 30 minutes left in class (purposefully planned so I could continue instruction) I couldn't get them to do a single thing. With that level of 'quit', I am at a loss. When every other sentence out of my mouth is "please sit up, take your head off the table, open your eyes".

It's hard not to just want to scream at them "Wake up! Pay attention! I can't do this alone!".

Early Career Leadership Fellow Collaborative

I'm finally starting to get some details about this really exciting collaborative I'm participating in. It's an initiative by the National Education Association and the Consortium for Educational Change to engage early career educators to grow as leaders, create plans for change, and activate them in their local unions. It's called the Early Career Leadership Fellow Collaborative (that's a mouthful).

This coming weekend I'll be headed to NEA headquarters in Washington D.C. for the first national conference of the ECLF. There's been a lot of uncertainty organizing the travel and details of this trip. It's all been on quite short notice. I applied for the program around the 1st of September, was accepted around the 10th. Early Saturday Morning, October 1st, I fly out to DC.

There's also been some uncertainty about what exactly this program is going to be. 'Leadership' is a funny buzzword that means a lot of different things depending on who's saying it and what the context is. In particular, as a woman, leadership can be a tricky tight rope to walk. As an aggressive and loud woman, bossy has often been a part of how people see me, but never the less I tend to gravitate towards opportunities for leadership.

I've been thinking about what the future of my career holds. I'd always sort of figured that after I got some experience under my belt, I'd go back to Eugene. That is where I see as home. But I've come to really like Salem, and in some ways feel more connected to some communities here then I ever did in Eugene. But, I think that is more about who I am now and my maturity in my relationships and interactions, then it is anything about the town. I bet if I were to move home, my renewed relationships with the community would mirror the relationships I've built here in Salem.

Eugene continues to not have a ton of openings for teachers, however, and I have grown to really love my position in Salem. I love working in alt-ed, and I have been so fortunate to have excellent relationships not only with colleagues, but also with administration. Why should I leave when I have so many good things happening here?

My mom got her first permanent teaching position at Elmira Elementary, and stayed there her entire career. She moved classrooms a few times, taught a few different grades, but essentially honed her craft of 1st/2nd grade to damn near perfection. I don't see myself taking that path. I love being a classroom teacher, but I don't think teaching the same subjects in the same school my entire career is for me. As I come to know more about what options and and opportunities there are in the field of education, my imagination explores many different possibilities. Not now, not next year, but perhaps in the next 5-10 years.

I see a major need for middle school alternative ed programs. I'm sure this isn't a unique need to Salem-Keizer. I could start a school or a program. I had an incredible mentor the last two years to assist me as I navigated my first few years of teaching (hell, I think every teacher should ALWAYS have someone available to them in that capacity!), I could mentor others in a similar way. There's district level positions to help implement policies and programs that address poverty, diversity, racism, behavior issues, ACEs, TAG students, the possibilities are wide. And of course there's always administration.

All of this is to say, the opportunity to develop skills and connections in the field of teacher leadership is a very exciting one to me. But my interest lies predominantly in the profession. I'm a union supporter, and am so grateful and thankful for my union, but I don't see myself pursuing the role of building rep, or being particularly active politically in my union, or in the labor and negotiation side either.

I'm excited to see what this Collaborative has to offer, I'm eager to pick up new skills, learn about what is out there, and work side by side with my union for the betterment of children, and the Education System in America, to be social justice warriors on behalf of children. I hope that ECLF isn't just about getting us involved in union leadership.

The schedule looks exciting, and the desired outcomes seem engaging. I'm thrilled to be going on this trip, and excited for the possibilities that it brings. Regardless, I will grain through this experience.

I'll definitely updating during the conference itself. Probably predominantly on Twitter and Instagram.

Play Doh in the Classroom:

or, How a Shiny Coat of Kinestheic Paint does not Create a Kinesthetic Lesson

This article on how to Use Playdoh in Junior High or High School came across my news feed this morning over coffee. I've used playdoh before in my awesome Squishy Circuits project that I've done the last few years, and was looking forward to more new project ideas.

I was a little bit disappointed that the article really only talked about using playdoh to model or sculpt things. Artistically representing a process, sculpting little models to represent points on a timelines. But those are all cool and novel ideas that could absolutely engage kinetic learners and raise general engagement for all students. But it didn't seem all that out side the box, and many of the ideas seemed more or less the same.

The thing that really struck me though was that these were supposed to be ways to engage kinetic hands on learners, and it seemed like most of the ideas required reading or writing before the student could access the kinetic portion of the activity. This one in particular stood out to me:

Play-Doh Check for Understanding Activity (handout) – This activity is a way to assess reading the students have done for homework. Students summarize the chunk of reading and then choose a section to create a Play-Doh sculpture. After the Play-Doh construction, students work with partners to reflect on what they chose and why.

The summarizing reading is the hard part! A 'normal' activity after reading would be to summarize what they've read through journaling or a writing assignment. All this does is add a kinesthetic activity on the back end. in a typical class period, you may or may not have time to get to the 'fun' part if the kids drag their feet on the summary. In order for this to truly be a kinesthetic activity, the modeling and playdoh part needs to come first. It needs to be the hook to draw the child into the activity. Perhaps after using modeling and sculpting to highlight a part of what they read, then the student can use discussion with a partner, reflection and writing. But even then, the default to written work is so strong that it's nearly impossible to escape.

I think that a lot of activities that are packedged for teachers are 'outside the box' or utilizing other elements of our brains and creativity aren't really all that different. They're the same old assignment, with the same old requirements, just dressed up in kinestheic (or whatever other learning style or fun methodology) clothing. It's a typical writing or reading or math assignment, with the the movement or art slapped on top like a shiny coat of paint.

I've spent a lot of time scouring the internet for ideas to increase engagement for students like mine, who are typically not very successful with the normal approach to teaching. I have to discard a lot of ideas that take this approach. They're the same old idea except with a shiny new graphic organizer, or a tech-ey app, or They sound good, but it's really no different the the status quo.

I don't know what the solution is. Assessment is a major issue with non-typical types of assignments. If they do a sculpture, how do I know if they truly understand what is going on. The quintessential subjectiveness of art makes it terrible for teacher assessment. If my student writes a clever rap about the commutative property, what is to say that he knows what it means, and can apply it?

One thing I do know is that it does us a disservice to dress up traditional lessons in kinestheic or artistic trappings and dupe ourselves into thinking we're really serving those nontraditional learners. It creates complacency where there is still a need. By all means, have kids model after (or before?!) they write a summary, create art to represent and interpret what they've learned, these are valuable interest and extension tools, but don't allow the shiny paint to fool you.

New Beginnings

This is the classic 'fresh start' blog post. I'm looking for an outlet and focus for my efforts. I'm part way through a lifelong journey of self-discovery (doesn't that sound cliche), and I feel like I'm on the precipice of something new.

A handful of things have converged this September to place me poised for a new chapter of development.

• I've started out my 3rd year teaching with a lot of time on my hands (our numbers are very low), and feeling unsure of my next steps and challenges. I also applied and was chosen to  participate in a union sponsored group of Early Career Leadership Fellows, this opens up my imagination to what the future of my career might hold, be it teacher leadership, administration, or instructional coaching or research. 
• I discovered the book Always Hungry? over the summer, thanks to my doctor, and have begun to radically change my relationship with food, especially processed carbohydrates and sugars. This is reshaping my eating habits, and changing my body for the better. 
• My adorable vintage apartment is slowly becoming a souring deal. I'm getting less and less bang for my buck so to speak. I am pursuing a larger space to live in, which hopefully will afford some of the amenities I am doing without. 
• Despite seeking a larger space, I must accept that I have accrued the flotsam and jetsam of several years of solo living and must needs pare down my belongings. Especially my clothing. I have two separate scheduled
• My band, DarkHorse, which I've played with for a few years is having a personnel change and taking a short hiatus. I'll be stepping into a more of a leadership role because our band leader, and lead guitar player, who is also my boyfriend of nearly 3 years, is moving away to attend University.  It'll be some months before we play again.
• In his own quest for authentic self, he's also decided that staying together isn't going to work for him. Despite our mutual love and respect, I'll be finding myself single, and without a romantic partner. 
• I am auditioning for a straight play for the first time in years. Theater has waxed and waned as a huge part of my life and the prospect of acting on stage again has me nervous and excited. I've spoken with the director and am very optimistic about my chances, though regardless of if I am cast, I'll be helping with the production. I'll be taking advantage of the hiatus that DarkHorse is taking to commit fully to a play. 
• I keep telling myself I'm going to write a song. I need to stop being a person who is GOING to write a song and be a person who is writing a song. This video I stumbled across today is a large part of what has initiated this burst of activity.
• One of my primary hobbies over the last decade, The Society for Creative Anachronism, has felt somewhat forced and empty the last few years. I did some soul searching and trying new things at an event in September which told me a lot about what I do and do not want from the SCA. I feel like I'm making progress redefining how the SCA will play a role in my life and what inspiration and creative or social outlets I can find there. 

As a result of upheaval and renewal I will write. I will write for accountability, for reflection, for a sounding board, in order to share my discoveries with others, and to track my progress.