You have to have a reason.

I have come to the decision that after my term as Kingdom Lists is finished, I'm intend to step away from the SCA. I feel like I've been searching for a spark and a draw for the last three years. I feel like I LIKE the SCA, I have fun when I go, and I enjoy the company, the history, the special culture of the SCA. I like being in the know and being involved in activities, tournaments, events, retinue etc. But... I only like it. Lately, while I have a good time participating, I am finding that I do SCA things and go to SCA events because it's what I do, and I feel like I should less then a drive and excitement about the event.

Company of squid hats

I see my friends excited about their new research, or taking on an office, or running an event, or learning a new skill, or improving their fighting. None of that excites me. I have a plan for an Anglo Saxon outfit, I've bought some of the fabric, I've purchased the book to use for research. And it sits there.

I have virtually no drive to go out and learn period music, or do research on period performance styles. I like the idea of sewing outfits, building garb, but I only seem to like the idea. I have a passing interest in the lifestyle of the average medieval person, and learning about what life was like, but the drive has cooled since it's height around 2011 or 12.

I recognize the challenge that the SCA faces as an organization with retention and recruitment. I feel guilty about not being interested. I feel like I am betraying an organization I love if I quit. I'm the sort of driven, organized, talented person that the SCA needs. But I don't know what I'm getting out of it.

If I lacked a sense of social connection or engagement, I have no doubt I could find it in the SCA. But I have lots of stimulus for social engagement. If I lacked intellectual stimulus or challenge, I could absolutely find that in the SCA, but I have my work, my band and many other things that provide challenge and intellectual stimulus. If I lacked creative outlet, I would use the SCA as a medium for creative expression, but I am expressing my art in a multitude of ways now, some of which I feel I don't have time to pursue to the degree that I would like.

I think I need to step away, without any sort of contingencies or time limits, and then see if I feel the loss in my life. If I miss it. If there's one thing I've learned recently, it's that the sentiment 'If you love something, let it go" is incredibly true. Perhaps when I don't have SCA events every few months, I'll feel the loss and recognize what exactly it is I'm draw from the SCA. Then I can reengage in a mindful, purposeful way.

In the meantime, I'll  finish out my term, and continue to dabble as I have been, perhaps I'll find that spark some time in the next year before my term is finished. But if not, that's ok.

New Beginnings

This is the classic 'fresh start' blog post. I'm looking for an outlet and focus for my efforts. I'm part way through a lifelong journey of self-discovery (doesn't that sound cliche), and I feel like I'm on the precipice of something new.

A handful of things have converged this September to place me poised for a new chapter of development.

• I've started out my 3rd year teaching with a lot of time on my hands (our numbers are very low), and feeling unsure of my next steps and challenges. I also applied and was chosen to  participate in a union sponsored group of Early Career Leadership Fellows, this opens up my imagination to what the future of my career might hold, be it teacher leadership, administration, or instructional coaching or research. 
• I discovered the book Always Hungry? over the summer, thanks to my doctor, and have begun to radically change my relationship with food, especially processed carbohydrates and sugars. This is reshaping my eating habits, and changing my body for the better. 
• My adorable vintage apartment is slowly becoming a souring deal. I'm getting less and less bang for my buck so to speak. I am pursuing a larger space to live in, which hopefully will afford some of the amenities I am doing without. 
• Despite seeking a larger space, I must accept that I have accrued the flotsam and jetsam of several years of solo living and must needs pare down my belongings. Especially my clothing. I have two separate scheduled
• My band, DarkHorse, which I've played with for a few years is having a personnel change and taking a short hiatus. I'll be stepping into a more of a leadership role because our band leader, and lead guitar player, who is also my boyfriend of nearly 3 years, is moving away to attend University.  It'll be some months before we play again.
• In his own quest for authentic self, he's also decided that staying together isn't going to work for him. Despite our mutual love and respect, I'll be finding myself single, and without a romantic partner. 
• I am auditioning for a straight play for the first time in years. Theater has waxed and waned as a huge part of my life and the prospect of acting on stage again has me nervous and excited. I've spoken with the director and am very optimistic about my chances, though regardless of if I am cast, I'll be helping with the production. I'll be taking advantage of the hiatus that DarkHorse is taking to commit fully to a play. 
• I keep telling myself I'm going to write a song. I need to stop being a person who is GOING to write a song and be a person who is writing a song. This video I stumbled across today is a large part of what has initiated this burst of activity.
• One of my primary hobbies over the last decade, The Society for Creative Anachronism, has felt somewhat forced and empty the last few years. I did some soul searching and trying new things at an event in September which told me a lot about what I do and do not want from the SCA. I feel like I'm making progress redefining how the SCA will play a role in my life and what inspiration and creative or social outlets I can find there. 

As a result of upheaval and renewal I will write. I will write for accountability, for reflection, for a sounding board, in order to share my discoveries with others, and to track my progress.